Here we look at the enormous cost of poor communications and sour relationships in business; the common causes of both; and some simple mental and emotional tools that can make a difference.
Like all good tools these can be used instantly, but may take a lifetime to master. That mastery is well worth pursuing, for the personal and commercial rewards are vast.
The Cost of Poor Communications
The first victim of poor communications is usually “relationship” – that sense of connection, association or involvement we feel with others when we share a common goal.
Relationships are the lubricant of shared tasks.
When one person’s role creates friction in another’s, a positive relationship provides a buffer zone in which a little argy-bargy, a little give-and-take can be accommodated and a little toe-treading can be tolerated without both sides feeling the need to keep an exact score on who’s winning or taking some right now and who’s losing or giving a little. Instead there is a comfortable understanding that each party will be mindful of the other’s toes and that each will take responsibility for squaring the books along the way and for evening the score towards the end of the shared or paired tasks so that both parties win.
Communication provides the signaling and feedback process that protects that essential “comfortable understanding” from mistaken assumptions, misread signals, thoughtless actions or words, task-focused silences, and from the consequences of priority dynamics on one side or the other.
In his book The Checklist Manifesto, Atul Gawande shares an ahah! moment around communications.
As a surgeon Gawande was wrestling with the grave health issues arising from poor communications among operating theatre staff. Coming across a building site with 300 people working without generating grave issues for one another he discovered the Gant charts completely covering one wall of the building Project Manager’s office and understood how each construction tasks was scheduled and sequenced to dovetail with all the rest. His ahah! came from the other wall, the one covered in a schedule of the meetings and information exchanges required to ensure that the parties responsible for carrying out each task were all reading from the same page (or wall!)
The Golden Rules of Great Communications
Two ears one mouth (Epictetus, 95AD).
Seek first to understand and then to be understood (the 5th of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, 1989).
You don’t know someone ‘til you know what they want (Brad Pitt, The Counsellor, 2013).
Nothing new here for the last 2000 years by the sound of things.
So here’s a structure built on the above that will develop Rich Communications & Sweet Relationships for you. It’s called GOLD, and it is a looping process applied to each item of a meeting agenda in turn; five items (goals) means five GOLD loops, and at least five commitments to action.
Here’s how it works.
G is for Goals
Start with your desired end result clearly in mind. Before starting any communications write out your perfect outcome.
Then ensure that you explore what the perfect outcome is for the other parties. Proceeding before this is settled and agreed is a waste of time.
You’ll find that this simple process will automatically move you away from focusing on the problem and instead focusing on the outcome – an 180o shift in mindset that is bound to make a difference to your mindset, motivation and perception of potential solutions.
By the way, “outcome” is different to “solution”. Focusing and agreeing on the outcome (the what) leaves you open to exploration with others of the possible solutions (the how’s).
O is for Obstacles, Opportunities, Options and Orientation
Use Active Listening[1] to discover the other party’s perception of the challenges (obstacles), the opportunities which a solution would offer, the alternatives (options) open to you both, and their perspective or understanding (orientation) of the issue or situation.
Run that information against what you brought to the table to see if you wish to modify anything to lessen any gaps between you. Bear in mind that while those gaps may be merely matters of language rather than substance, simply more closely aligning your language can be a very powerful influencing and rapport-deepening technique.
Share your own perception of the O’s. Seek agreement and alignment wherever it can be established.
Rule of Thumb: Stay way away from any discussion that sounds or feels like “who’s right or wrong” – which leads to blaming and point-scoring – and move consistently towards “what works and what didn’t/doesn’t” which leads to solutions, commitments and actions.
L is for Learning Required Information and/or Skills
Where listening and then discussion throw up gaps between desire and capability, focus on gaining agreement on how the skill and knowledge identified as necessary to addressing issues and implementing solutions, will be acquired. That may entail training, research, recruitment or outsourcing – or a further exploration of doing things differently in order to bring the solutions within range of the available knowledge resources.
All discussion on learning should be continually tested against the Goals to ensure that it is practical and outcome-based, rather than abstract and academic.
D is for Do
Too many meeting end with people walking away asking, “What was that all about?” and knowing full well they’d just wasted valuable time they could have applied more productively to something else, because nothing will change.
And the reason nothing changes?
Because the meeting leaders did not seek commitment from or offer commitment to the participants as to who would do what, by when, and how everyone would be informed about that. No one was clear about who has assumed responsibility for ensuring that a component of the meeting’s outcomes is delivered on time and to specification.
The conclusion of any communication should be crystal clarity for each party – preferably in writing – of what they each agreed to do or have done by when and how completion or progress would be signaled.
You will find that if you adopt the habit of wrapping up any communication with your positive feelings about the value of the outcome and your commitment to carry out your take-aways and taking responsibility for your part in producing the overall result of the relationship will provide a final boost of energy for all parties that heightens the likelihood of prompt action and positive outcomes.
Check In Regularly
Adopt some simple check-in processes until you find that you are using them habitually.
For example, when asking someone to take responsibility for an action or outcome from any meeting automatically follow with, “Is that OK with you?” Make sure it’s a real – and not a mindless – question; make sure you pay attention to their answer as you will see in their body language whether they are really OK with that, and whether you really have a commitment to action. If you sense any hold-back, use active listening to understand what is happening here, then explore options, select and re-seek commitment.
Similarly, “So in your words, what do you feel we need to do here?” – then listen. If there is any mismatch between their language and your own there is a potential for misunderstanding so go over key points to find common language then test to ensure you have a strong sense that you are both talking about the same thing.
When Passions Flare
If discussion becomes heated learn to recognize that the other party is feeling that they are not going to get something they want (or will lose something in the process). Often in commercial negotiations heated points are taken by the service provider as an attack, when in fact they can be a very strong buying signal from the client that they want something that they are not getting or are being asked to pay more than they have budgeted.
Passion is a great identifier that there is an as-yet unmet need in front of you. Understanding the need in a way that aligns with the client’s perception, then focusing your technical expertise and product knowledge on formulating solutions is a great way to avoid being drawn into the emotional stress and for you to remain outcome focused – and to move the client towards consideration of the solution you can see.
Better, use your active listening skills to involve the client in the formation of the solution (maybe based entirely on information you are providing – but that’s fine). Solutions that clients design generally command a higher price and evoke less buyer resistance than ones you might push on the client.
Set a personal and professional goal to develop the art of collaborating with clients to guide them to design perfect solutions from your products.
When Things Go Pear-shaped have a Red Phone Protocol
The most powerful way to handle potential conflicts within any relationship is to accept at the outset that they are likely to happen and to have a shared plan between and within the parties on how those will be managed when they occur.
The ProfiTune Delegation Model includes a key step in which the delegator empowers and binds the delegatee with, “If you make a mistake you are to let me know immediately so that you and I can minimize the impact on the customer and the Company and so that you can learn. I see any costs associated with that simply as part of our investment in your development. Agreed?” With one simple statement you outlaw the sweeping of issues under the carpet or the withholding of critical information, and you create a safe environment for handling the inevitable stresses associated with learning missteps.
OK, so that takes care of the internal impact. So what about the impact of a fubar on other parties? That’s where the “red phone” comes in.
Just as there were purported to be red phones on the American and Russian Presidents’ desks and communications protocols to avert the prospect of inadvertent mutual destruction, so the paired parties in commercial relationships should have an agreed protocol for picking up the phone before the bomb drops, and a pre-agreed commitment to focus any such call on what is working and not working and to avoid discussions of right and wrong.
It should be agreed that the responsible party makes an objective statement of the situation, damage, issue, delay, etc (while the affected party takes in the information) followed by a statement of the strategy being applied or a request to jointly problem solve the issue. The responsible party’s focus must be on minimizing the damage to the other party and/or the overall project, and both parties must be committed (beforehand) to proactively applying resources to achieve this.
Any post mortem (and there should be one, should similarly focus on “what needs to change in our processes to avoid this in future” rather than blaming – though compensation may be an appropriate topic of discussion, and one that should be carried out with a commitment to apportioning responsibility as distinct from apportioning blame, and to upgrading systems, processes and communications where possible to avoid or minimize future instances.
Starting a conversation of this type with, “Margaret, my apologies we have created a situation on site that will impact the project and your team. The situation is (. . . . . .) and our strategy at this point is (. . . . . . . ) – but I’d appreciate your thoughts once you get your head around this. Is there anything further you need from me right now? Good, I’ll provide you with updates (. . . . . . )” is likely to minimize fall out, stress and recovery time.
It is critical to understand, also, that if well-handled such situations are most likely to significantly strengthen the client-supplier relationship. Nothing bonds people like sharing a challenge and collaborating in overcoming it. Being seen to step up an accept responsibility in the full knowledge of what it is costing you in terms of resources is a mighty reputation strengthener, and something that is likely to be appreciated in future with additional business.
By the way, putting a red phone protocol in place at the beginning of any relationship is likely to have you seen as head and shoulders above your competitors in terms of your practicality and commitment to risk management. People regularly exchange money for lower risk. You could find your red phone winning you more work at higher margins.
Relationships
2,400 years ago Epicurus said, “You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”
The same can be said for your commercial relationships and we’ve outlines some of the processes and tools for surviving challenges here but all of those are secondary to your desire to improve your relationship skills and to apply them to cultivating robust relationships. It will take heart to do that, but the rewards will amaze you.
Author Hugh Mackay said, “Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational. Which makes you wonder at the mad cult of perfectionism sweeping the construction industry”.
Naah, he didn’t really say “construction industry”, but you get the message. Developing quality relationships through thoughtful communications with your key contacts provides the buffer, the lubricant to take care of the friction that would otherwise be created from working together. And, yep, they didn’t tell you at Uni that you’d need to develop this.
Takeaways
- Become skilled in developing heart-led professional relationships that feel good to your and your clients;
- Practice Active Listening thoughtfully until you become a natural master at it and watch the positive shifts in everything and everyone around you;
- Make all of your discussions GOLD;
- Check in regularly – and sense the feedback before proceeding;
- Objections are usually a buying signal, so explore what they really want that they are so fired up about;
- Put your Red Phone Protocols in place at the start of every relationship (BTW, the classic at-home protocol is “Dear, if I’ve said anything that could have been taken two ways and one of those ways upset you – I meant the other way!”)
- Be optimistic that when you skillfully do the right thing you’ll usually produce an excellent outcome that builds your awesome reputation and makes you someone that others seek out.
- Commit to rich communications that lead to sweet relationships. Good luck!
[1] Active Listening: 1. Relax, choose to like the other party, commit to yourself that you will enjoy this moment and find ways in which to add value for them. 2. From a state of rapport, ask them an open question with a clear purpose. 3. Take in their whole answer (including their body language) without adding your own stuff. 4. Ask another question based on their answer. Occasionally ask extending questions (can you tell me a little more?). 5. When it seems natural, be present and silent to create the space which they can fill with deeper information.
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